today i learned that the obviousness of my public displays of misery, in my eyes, are not so obvious to anyone else. is it true that you see all your faults under a microscope, where others may never look? or even care.. i beat myself up for my incredible lack of ability to control myself, but it may just be the thoughts that explode.. that no one can tell what’s happening.
the last few days i have felt more hopeless and disillusioned than i have in the history of my self inflicted sufferings. (which i guess aren’t considered self inflicted, but sure feel that way. i suppose seemingly “uncontrollable” is more appropriate.) throughout everything that i’ve been through, i guess i always had a certain degree of hope, or even relief when something was finished, that i would, could, or did get past it. these days i have felt beyond insincere with myself when i try injecting positivity through the cobwebs of my thought processes. it falls through, and sits at the base of my skull like a string around my finger to something i can’t achieve anymore. never making impact, but emanating its intent just enough to remind me that i have yet again failed.
even once i was no longer part of a situation that caused such severe reactions in me, i felt only depression, regret, and disgust with myself for allowing them to happen, and even more disappointment for not knowing the cure.
the deepest sense of being stuck in my head, with my thought on fire.
when i started to write this, i felt pretty positive. thinking back to find the words has numbed me, so i guess i have passed where i should have stopped.
NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY
